I cannot begin to express my current state of mind, it… It…. It feels like I’m reaching a new level in my life, a new place, new adventures, new chapter, new experiences, my storm is over, I feel new, improved, wiser, stronger, it reflects within and without. I’ve had nights in this box, on this bed, at this corner thinking, dreaming, crying, angry, mad, helpless, lonely, this room is an important part of my life now, I been revealed to myself in this room, this is the place where the finishing touches in the production of me becoming a man are conducted, so many worlds of maturity and thinking I’ve gone to.
So as I stare at my reflection in my laptop screen, in this very spot, in this very room, I see me, I stare at everything, I capture every single detail of myself through my red eyes, through my ray ban wayfarer lenses than any canon camera could ever fuckin’ capture, I capture all of me, within and without and I like what I see, I’m very happy, I’m very happy with God and I thank Him because I know myself, I’ve walked a burdened path and still walking it but it’s like right now? I’m looking back and at my path and all it’s obstacles and I’m like ‘yeah, yeah, good’, I’ve always wanted to be me, I’ve always wanted to be happy again, to lay on that soft cushioned comfort zone in myself, ignorant of the world around me to an extent, because we all have to be aware, but I’m me, I’m becoming me. I’m a dreamer and oddly enough I feel I’ve alwasy lived my dream, it’s just that, the past wasn’t the part that ever came up in my actual dreams. I’m so fucking comfortable, I’m staring at my reflection, I see a long face with a hightop fade and a pair of knock-off ray ban wayfarers and that’s Rey, this is who I always wanted myself to be and that’s who I am, I am real, I am true and real to myself, TRILL. I ask you, can you stare at yourself inside, out and actually say you understand what I mean?, people have died and they have never felt this flight, people two times my age are working, moguls are there and they’ve never felt this, don’t get me wrong I don’t want to speak like this is all my doing, it’s not, but this is something I’ve thought about, have dreamt about, have begged and prayed to become, me is the only thing I want to be, fuck getting money, money is nothing but a mere diistraction created by man to make it seem as if we have power, like power belongs to man, no it doesn’t, God, the God that is in all of us, is above that shit, so why the fuck are we belittling ouselves? We are mae in God’s image so we are Him, little bits and pieces of him all unique bits of the body of Christ, no two pieces are the same. So fuck money, fuck the jewels and the girls and the boys and the peers and the cliques, groups, bandwagons, fuck ‘em all, they are all mere distractions, focus on yourself, focus on your maker, be Allah or whatever and then focus on the person you see in the mirror, once you maintain that, you’ll cruise through life, the good and the bad will be there, you know? Just to keep it fun, but you’l still cruise. Be yourself, it is hard, some people might disagree but I feel that there is a level(s) in life you have to go through before they can understand that.
There are numerous players in this game, factors that have influenced me, that have moulded me, that have steered me, because to be honest I was lost at one point, I just didn’t know, I was just.. Lost.. But those factors helped me to reach this level, to catch this flight. Two of them are/were the amazing people I have around me and the amazing music I listen to from Kendrick Lamar, him especially, and through them I am enlightened, ascending higher and higher every year, because of God and these factors I’m the person I see in the laptop and I am the one people look up to, when the literally look down, just a joke there. Because of these factors I am The Giant, my father’s duplicate, the revised edition, I knew I couldn’t shake him, so I accept, this is what I am too.
The people that I have or God has sent my way are numerous, I have numerous brothers and sisters, numerous loved ones, numerous friends, there are the blood related male siblings, whose words and acts have been etched in my mind and heart, there are the love related siblings who have given me numerous shoulders to lean on, there are my loved ones my small, litlle family, the circle, who have moulded me to become “the coolest”, they influenced this weed smoking individual I see in the laptop, they’ve pushed me, kicked me into becoming this person, if I am going to be judged by the the friends I keep then let it be my circle, we’re all coming up from one “bottom” or the other, positive productive thinkers and creatives, all diverse in the arts,thinkers, grinders, hard workers, self opinionated, God fearing, this is the dream team and I’m proud. And there are my friends, who are sent to me to deliver messages.
These words, theses words, heavy with meaning are inspired by the music I listen to, I appreciate music more now, I understand it’s value, it’s art, the part it plays in life, music can speak to a generation, just like his music, it’s has helped steer my life into another direction, a positive, aware direction, an intellectual is now being birthed, the patriot is being birth, not for my country, but for mankind, when I give the man on the street a hundred instead of a five is because of what his music has done to me, he’s the “storyteller” for me, my generation, his words are part of his general message (body of work) that he’s putting out there. Now I know what people mean by, “your music changed my life”, because it has enlightened me, I can’t remember the last time I read a book aside from my class notes, but because of people like him my mind is open, these are my authors, these lyrics are my words, these albums are books, I have read a lot of books, best sellers all of them especially his, my favourite in my life so far. Because of him I have set my eyes on a new goal, I want I want to influence a generation, send them a message through my body of work, my kids and them, I want to be for them what Kendrick is for me.
No rapper has moved like he has, I see another one comind up and he’s right under my nose and I’m happy and axcited because of that, it will probably crown everything we’ve all been through.
I’m still working on myself, I’ll forver not give a fuck about any and everything and then focus on myself, God and how I see in the laptop and with these two factors out of numerous ones I will do it easily.
I’ll call this “My Testament: TRILL”